I am having a really hard time listening to all of the religious stuff and having pastors and church people constantly around, but mostly, I think i’m uncomfortable because maybe I didn’t realize my boyfriend was as deeply rooted in this as he apparently is. I know it is making him feel better and I am trying to be respectful, but it really makes my skin crawl. I don’t know why. I’m just… Not into it.
Sick to death of hearing about angels and church and god and the whole lot. Really, I just need a break from that.
[for those just tuning in, i moved across the united states to be with my boyfriend, who is hospicing his mother. i have now been here for going on two weeks.]
today is my 11th day here. things are difficult. this is definitely no picnic and has been taxing as fuck and has really forced me to re-evaluate what kind of person i am.
the jury is still out on that one.
i am being as patient as i can about some things, and trying to be very helpful and as supportive as one human being can be to another. because i love him. i really, honestly, truly do. and i want this to work so very badly. i just hate that this HUGE shadow is looming over what is supposed to be my happy ending, you know? and i feel really selfish and fucked up and awful for sometimes feeling like i want this to be over FASTER. i realize that means that someone else’s life would be ending, and when i think about it, i honestly feel relieved, and that makes me feel guilty as fuck. is this normal, or am i a monster?
last night she said she had a conversation with a woman with red hair, who told her she’d be home soon, and at the end of the conversation, she said the woman turned around and had the prettiest wings. she was also on a lot of morphine so who knows, but i find it kind of peculiar that for a woman as religious as she, she never once used the word “angel”… why didn’t she? it’s been bothering me since guytano pointed it out to me. anyway, she’s been on a steady decline since i arrived on the 8th, but she seems to have hit a plateau. half of the time she can no longer remember who he is, which is WRECKING him, and she thinks she’s in a hospital because she’s in a hospital bed with an oxygen tank [in the living room]. she keeps asking when she can go home and she asks him where her son is [heartbreaking] and today she had a whole big long argument that he was NOT her son. she just refused to believe it. it’s really sad.
i’ve made myself as scarce as possible since the first few days. i originally just wanted them to have their time together, but now it’s like… i’m afraid i’ll spook her. so i float around behind-the-scenes, so to speak, in case i’m needed for anything or there’s an emergency, but she and i don’t really talk much otherwise. i’m still not 100% comfortable being here, but i guess that’s kind of how it works when the semi-homophobic pentecostal lady who owns the house is dying in the living room and you’ve moved into her house to take up with her son. sordid tales!
oh, and she blasted gospel music for liks three or four straight hours today from a billy graham revival dvd. i know it makes her happy, which is great, honestly, but i was about to lose my shit so i had to put on headphones and grit my teeth and pretend i was somewhere else. spirituality? great. white people gospel shit? fuck that noise.
i really hope this works out. please let this all pass and let things be ok.
flight leaves at 8:20am… mailed a bunch of my stuff out, packed all my clothes, put together some playlists on my laptop for the flight. said all the goodbyes i can even fucking stand this week. it’s SO hard. i’m really tired of crying.
i am not questioning the choice i made, and i am not questioning my reasoning. this place doesn’t have to always be my home, even though i know i will always have a home here with my friends and my family. i feel like everyone i know has made such huge strides since we were young, and i’ve remained the same… stagnant. if i don’t do this, i’ll never know if i could. if i don’t do this, i let not only myself down, but the man i love.
i have faith that he will do his best to take care of me and that he loves me, and i will do the same for him. i just hope that it’s enough and that the weight of the situation i’m walking into doesn’t crush us both.